That’s Life

By Nat Bruzon                                     

When I was told by the Government to ‘self isolate’ no mention was made of my wife. I rang the Covid Help Line to ask how I should get rid of Patricia in order to comply with Government regulations, only to be told that on no account should I get rid of her! I was told that until further notice, I should get into a bubble with her, there to remain until the covid virus was defeated.

I started to think carefully about this and a number of rather obvious problems sprang to mind. Where could I get such a bubble from? How big should it be ? Would there be enough space in it for me to get a bit of peace and quiet now and again? Was it safe to eat hot food in the bubble? Were there exceptions made regarding the use of the toilet? What about bedtime? The list grew longer and longer by the minute.

Having made further enquiries, I discovered that the ‘bubble’ was metaphorical.! I wasn’t sure what that meant but apparently you can move around the house freely ‘sans’ Patricia as long as you don’t let anyone else near either of you.

So life has continued and we are still in this metaphorical bubble. Then things began to get worse.

Due to lack of space in churches for too many bubbles, instructions were issued by our religious leaders that we had to book in advance to be allowed entry into the church for the Christmas Masses.

I immediately phoned Ticket Master but they told me that they were not involved in this initiative,

and that I should book directly with the appropriate Church Authorities. They warned me that I should try to avoid ticket touts who would be trying to sell tickets at vastly inflated prices outside the venue.  Thankfully, I booked direct with our Church and have acquired two front row seats for the Christmas Day Mass in Axminster.  By the time I had done all this, I was exhausted, and could not get up off my settee to go to bed. Patricia, my bubble mate, said she was going to bed, and that it would not do me any good to fall asleep on the settee. I said I would be up in a second………..

I heard the ‘ping’ of an e.mail arriving, and decided to check it before going to bed. It was from the Vatican. It read :- “ Due to Social Distancing, we are advised that advance booking is required before entry into Heaven. Applications should be sent to the Office of Heavenly Admittances here at the Vatican to arrive at least 48 hours before the applicant’s demise. No advance booking is required for Hell as we understand there is plenty of capacity there……… “ Nat, are you coming up,” shouted Patricia. “Coming darling” I replied. “Just had a most extraordinary dream. Must have nodded off.”

And here we are now, Christmas not far away, but a ray of hope is with us. The vaccine is available!

Hopefully due to my age I should be invited to receive mine next month.  Bad news is that Patricia has informed me that she will not be able to have the vaccine currently in use, as people with allergic reactions could suffer from it. Patricia you see, as she constantly reminds me, is allergic to wasps.

You know what, she is her own worst enemy. I keep telling her, “ If you are allergic to wasps, don’t eat the wretched things !”  Will she listen to me ? That’ll be the day.

Ah well that’s life!